anenglishmajor
crayola-pastel
Why I am terrified of boys and relationships
“You’ll meet someone in college”
“Hookups are not hard to find in college”
Here I am, single as a pringle -as some would say- entering the summer before my junior year of college. Convinced I have yet to turn any heads or catch the eyes of the thousands of boys roaming the same streets as myself.
I am definitely a hopeless romantic. I love to bake, I love to make people smile, and I am willing to do just about anything to get that smile on someone’s face; and that’s my problem.
Allow me to explain, just as the summer sun of 2011 was setting and I was sitting at an outdoor concert with my dad and some family friends my phone buzzed,
“I just heard about what happened to your mom and I am so sorry”
The contents of the text message were all too familiar as I had been receiving words of pity and sorrow from just about anyone I had ever spoken to, but the sender was what caught me off guard. It was my ex.
Now as an experienced love guru of 15 years old after having been in 2, two month relationships, you could say I knew exactly how to handle this situation.
I freaked out.
After a couple texts back and forth my ex and I had quickly rekindled our friendship and it didn’t take more than a blink of an eye for him to start flirting with me again. Pretty soon the flirting turned into asking me to hangout, and trying to DTR (define the relationship, in case you are not hip to acronyms like me)
For the first time in my short 15 years I stood up for myself and made the boy promise to stick around as just a friend before we re-entered the relationship territory. After all, I had just lost my mother and the last thing I needed was for someone to abandon me again. He quickly obliged and we embarked on and 3 month limbo between friends, friends who hung-out and hooked up, until we finally decided to start dating again.
At first, it was great, people say third time’s the charm but the second seemed to be doing just fine for us. Eventually, and nowhere that I can even attempt to pinpoint, I started to feel uneasy about spending time with someone I claimed to love. I got that nervous feeling in my stomach I always got before singing in front of people, or doing anything that caused my anxiety-ridden brain and sort of turmoil.
It was not until about 2 years, and a whole other relationship before I realized what was wrong.
I was sexually abused.
How did I not know? How did I let someone do that to me and why? Why didn’t I get out? Why didn’t I tell anyone?
I still ask myself those questions even now 5 years later. To the best of my ability, this is the analysis I have come up with.
As I said, I love to make people smile, and that sentiment did not waiver during this relationship. He always wanted to be intimate with me, I was not ready for sex and had already put my foot down on us getting to “home base” any time soon. But just about everything else he got me to do. Every time we hung out, he would start kissing me and one thing would lead to another. Every time I had just showered or looked hot on skype and he was going to bed, he would end our video call to take care of business while talking to me telling me what he would do if we were together. At the time, I honestly thought it was normal and it was my duty to please him and that was how relationships worked.
I didn’t have anyone to tell me I was wrong.
When I started to say no, he would beg, and beg, or just do it himself until I gave in. I was so scared if I didn’t do it he would break up with me and I wouldn’t have anyone, so I never questioned anything.
I guarantee there will not be a road map, manual, trusted friend/adult or guidebook for every situation in your life and you have trust your gut when you feel something is wrong.
Eventually, we broke up and within a month I had fallen into a new relationship that gave me no time to reflect on the toxic environment I had finally dug myself out of.
It wasn’t until after this new boyfriend of mine and I had broken up and I had been in a fairly healthy relationship that I realized the impact of my previous relationship.
I don’t need to be in a relationship but I love being in love and giving my love to others and would be damn happy to have someone have a middle school crush on me for the first time in a while. To this day, part of me is still traumatized and any time I feel like a guy is flirting with me (whether or not I am completely making it up) I regress and get that same nervous stomach pain that if I don’t say yes or put out, I will never again get to be in love; and that scares the shit out of me.
A personal story I feel ready to share, enjoy!
hey everyone should read this!